You know how when you are sad, it is so hard to imagine being happy, and when you are happy it is so hard to imagine being sad.
I went through a phase of prolonged melancholy recently. As a counsellor I knew it was not going to last, but the more I tried to force happiness and healing, the longer it took for me to feel better. I was so impatient – I had to feel better now.
I have gone through life relatively unharmed. I realize how lucky I am to say that. Recently however, I came very close to harm’s way. I always thought, if anything happened to me I have the tools and the knowledge to recover fast. I believed my habits and lifestyle would be a buffer against prolonged sadness.
This event however, rattled my nervous system, reshaped the way I see the world, and left me in a perpetual state of fear. The fear seeped into every corner of my mind. The more unsafe my body and my mind felt, the more I perceived everything as a threat, a danger, something to worry about.
I would go for my runs, even though they felt hard. I would eat healthy, although it felt like a shlep. As I progressively felt worse I started to let go of my discipline. The more I started to lose my discipline the more I beat myself up. The more I beat myself up, the harder it was to be disciplined in my lifestyle.
Because I had to feel better now, I was impatient to heal, I gave into hedonism more readily. Picking up old habits that took years to die. Overindulging in junk food, laying about and letting my hobbies collect dust.
I realize how familiar this must sound. I believe the above is part of the human experience. This was not the first time I had gone through such turbulence, and thankfully no immune disorders arose this time around. It is very common for the slippery slope illustrated above to accumulate into somatic symptoms.
Now, what did I learn about through this episode of depression? I learnt that because I had to feel better now, I could not properly heal and reset. I perpetuated my sadness through giving in and giving up, I thought that would make me feel better. I was so rushed to jump right back to my old self I looked for quick fixes. I am a counsellor, I need to be happy, I need to be an example, my mind kept telling me. I felt pressured to be happy and that pressure was a weight pushing me into an unhealed version of myself.
Before I get to the resolution and realization I do have to say – slowing down when you experience something traumatic is important. Being gracious with yourself and not beating yourself for indulging in instant release happinesses, sticking to good habits but not pushing yourself. For example, if you don’t feel like running, go for a walk. If you don’t feel like cooking, order something yummy, but don’t count the calories. If you want to rest, take a nap, scroll on your phone. I am in no way demonizing these habits. I actually believe they are very important to live a whole and balanced life. The problem arises is when we completely slip into hedonism, we alter our hedonic baseline making it harder and harder to eventually feel better. It is also important not to push yourself to your limits, to be the most disciplined person, to run the fastest, to make as much money as possible – this is the same stress response, just on the other end of the spectrum.
Now – to get to the resolution and realization. Patience with yourself when you are feeling low allows you to be connected to your needs. Need to take a nap? Nap without worrying about deadlines? Can’t do that extra rep? Take a breather – to be patient with yourself is to be gentle with yourself. We may feel like we cannot even fathom what joy feels like in times of melancholy, but patience allows you to peek into the future and remind yourself it is coming in time. In time, I know I will feel better. I am not going to feel better now, and that is OK. I know I will feel better when I am ready to.
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