Thoughts on how to use self-conscious thoughts to your advantage and not for self-deprecation.

If you have ever ordered a beverage from a popular spot, such as Starbucks or Plato Coffee, you have probably seen the following written on your own or another person’s cup: ‘You are special.’ Once, I received a takeaway coffee with the permanent marker note ‘you are special’ written on it – never in my life have I felt less special. I assume the intention of this message is positive and aims to be somewhat uplifting.

However, if you have given fifty people the same message of ‘you are special’ in one day, a sort of hypocrisy arises. For you see, the word special implies that you are different from what is usual, better, or greater than what is usual. The redundant use of the word ‘special’ defeats the meaning of the word. 

Special vs Unique

I am by no means hating on the popular ‘you are special’ notes written on our takeaway coffees – in some way it is indeed rather sweet, but it is not true, for in fact, you are not special. You are unique and one of a kind, but if everyone is unique and one of a kind, being unique is not special. 

I bring this up because at a recent event where I was working harm reduction/ psychcare, I had a pleasant conversation with an individual about how self-conscious we feel. We discussed how we felt people were watching us when we danced, how we felt that others could notice our flaws, how it feels as though people are so interested in perceiving us that they can peer through our very souls and see into our fears. 

This self-conscious state tricks your body into thinking you are in danger, you become alert and all of the factors that make you self-conscious grow and grow the more you give attention to them. For example, I am incredibly self-conscious about my teeth. I have big teeth and I used to have an overbite. Sometimes I can fixate so deeply on my mouth, my mind distorts my perception. My self-conscious thoughts literally change the way I view myself because I become frightened by the idea that other people are perceiving my flaws.

This image is from an old Simpsons episode, which I love. The more I fixate on my self-conscious thoughts, the more my perception of reality becomes warped. My teeth become skewer and skewer the more I fixate on them, just as the overexaggeration in the image above.

Now, the question begs – is there some kind of magic phrase that can break this self-conscious spell placed on our perceptions? For me at least, reminding myself that I am not special breaks this exponential mental spiral. I am not special. No one cares if I have slightly skewed teeth. No one cares if my hair is funny.

No one cares if I am socially awkward (of which I am more frequently than I care to admit due to my ongoing struggles with self-conscious thought spirals – hence the deep dive in this article). 

When we think we are special we convince ourselves that all eyes are on us. We are, out of the thousands of people individuals see in their lifetime, somehow more remarkable and memorable than all the rest. That every embarrassing comment, cough, burp, fart will forever be remembered.

Consider for a moment, the times you saw someone else embarrass themselves – if you can even remember such a moment, and whether or not you care about it – maybe you are slightly amused or empathetic – but you are most likely not concerned with such memories. 

In practice

The belief that ‘I am special’ is often a hindrance to our goals. We believe that if we are not the best at something and achieve the highest success, the pursuit is futile. Once again, you are not special. You do not have to be the greatest guitar or bass player of all time. If you play and you make a mistake, keep playing, no one cares. If you publish a book, and some people do not resonate with it, no one cares. If you feel you look chubbier than you would like to be, no one cares. 

An important side note – letting go of the belief that you are special, all eyes on you, and everyone cares about everything you do, is liberating – however, it is very important that you care about yourself. It is important that you take care of your health, it is important that you brush your teeth and look after your appearance, that you do your best and invest time in your interests – because, while no one else is watching, you have to live in your body and experience the world you create for yourself.

Our self-conscious thoughts are often very helpful and guide us to make the right decisions, so by no means discard them – however, rather than using these thoughts as fuel for self-deprecation and self-punishment, use them as motivating forces.

If you feel unhealthy – rather than getting angry at yourself, be compassionate with yourself and use that reasoning to make better decisions. If you feel ignorant, rather than feeling ashamed, go forth and learn. If you feel you have no skills, rather than feeling less than, go and acquire skills of your choosing. 

We are more alike than what we are different

Everyone is self-conscious – even the people you least expect to be. As unique as we all are on a spiritual level, we are all sharing the same human experience and are more alike than what we are different at the end of the day. 

With love, you are not special. 

“I’ve been wallowing in my own chaotic, insecure delusions. I want to feel the change consume me.” – TOOL

emotional intelligence developer