I was raised by a single mother with severe and complex PTSD. As troublesome as this may sound and as hard as it was for me to understand when I was young – I now have come to see that this environment had some unexpected benefits. 

A characteristic of those with PTSD is hypervigilance. Hypervigilance is a result of your body feeling as though it needs to prepare for danger. Once someone experiences a traumatic event (for example, hearing of a loved one’s passing makes the body physiologically feel as though it is in danger) the body, for some time, is constantly preparing for threats. The body experiences higher spikes in cortisol and you will find yourself easily frightened or sensitive to loud noise and stressful environments. An environment may not be stressful in the slightest but for one with unregulated hypervigilance, the smallest unexpected sound or stressor may be perceived by the body as extreme danger. 

Life with chronic hypervigilance

This is the physiological and mental state my mother found herself almost permanently stuck in. If the phone rings while she cooks dinner her body reacts as if it is a threatening situation. She panics, drops a spoon, makes a mess and answers the phone out of breath. 

These situations made me hypervigilant. However, I do not have any traumatic experiences –  I have learnt when to turn on my hypervigilance and when to turn it off. I had to learn to turn it off by looking to others who aren’t as hypervigilant as my mom. I have learnt to take a step back. Sometimes that means taking a step back from her. 

This hypervigilance, though strange and somewhat tiring to be around, I now see as a blessing. Despite being raised by a low-income single mother, I grew up to be emotionally mature and determined to make a better future. Her extreme hypervigilance kept me safe. It kept me very safe from so much harm which I have now come to learn is far more prevalent in the world than my younger self ever anticipated. 

It’s Okay

I always used to tell my mom, ‘It’s okay’ which made her turn around and yell ‘It’s not Okay!’. For some time this left me with the hard belief that ‘things are not okay’. Many years later, while studying CBT, I identified this maladaptive belief causing my anxiety. Anxiety is not the belief that ‘things won’t be okay if this happens’ it is the underlying assumption that things are not okay in the first place. My upbringing is largely responsible for the insights which has helped me understand the mind better. For that I am grateful.

I have mostly walked through life unharmed. I took this for granted, I rebelled, and I ‘hated’ my mom. I look back at this beautiful chaotic woman with reverence. She, on her own, with few resources, protected me with her life. Physiological stress is something we as humans have developed for a reason. Stress is designed to tell us when we are not safe, so that we may return to a place of safety. Despite my mother feeling as though we were unsafe, this ended up keeping me incredibly safe throughout my childhood. She was overly protective but not in a way where I wasn’t allowed to visit friends or play good old ‘ tok-tokkie’. She kept me safe in the way where she was very careful about who she allowed into our space, where we would go and how we would live.

I feel deep empathy for my mom and her inner turmoil. Yet, she has persevered and overcome more than most – and that makes me feel deeply at peace. Today her journey towards emotional regulation continues, one step at a time. She is getting better.

I have learnt that there is beauty in PTSD. There is a reason our bodies react as they do and we can learn to tap into the hidden benefits. Pain can be transmutable. In all suffering, there is a hidden meaning.