In January, 2014 learned that a man I dated in 1990 killed his male lover, then himself. I immediately ruminated over our relationship, trying to figure out what signs I missed that he was this way. I knew he had a bad temper, could be jealous & was somewhat controlling, but I didn’t think they pointed to him having such intensely serious issues. I was sad for the man he killed & also my ex. People openly hated him for killing his lover, understandably, but I felt badly that he felt he had no other option but to do what he did. It was a very difficult time, leaving me in a state of shock for a couple of weeks.
Some folks who I told this story to haven’t exactly been understanding. They said I shouldn’t think about it, or I should just be grateful it wasn’t me. They asked why would I even care since he was an ex? While I get not everyone understands this situation since most people haven’t been in it, their reactions still triggered an automatic reaction in me that I learned when I was a child – if someone invalidates my feelings, it means they are unimportant, I need to push my feelings aside & not bother anyone with them. I believe this to be a common coping mechanism among children of narcissistic parents.
Just because other people don’t understand, or even try to understand, the pain you are in, it doesn’t make it any less painful. You need to learn to ignore what others say & listen to your own instincts & feelings. If you are hurting or angry, then honor that! Deal with your pain however works best for you. Just because something you experienced might not upset another person doesn’t mean they are right & you are wrong. You are both individuals, & people are affected by things differently. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS!
In my case, I eventually came to grips with the fact I once shared my life with a man who used me to cover up his homosexuality, & was a murderer. This wasn’t an easy pill to swallow! I don’t understand how anyone could feel otherwise, yet it happened pretty often. Currently, if anyone treated me as they have in the past, acting as if something was wrong with me for being upset about my ex’s situation, I would simply remove them from my life. Life is too short to tolerate such cruelty from anyone.
If you have someone in your life who frequently tells you things like you’re oversensitive, overreacting, reading too much into a situation, or acts like something is very wrong with you for feeling as you do, that person is invalidating you. For more information on that topic, please visit this link to my website: Invalidation. Invalidation isn’t only painful & frustrating, it is abuse. You don’t have to put up with it!
